Monday, April 7, 2008

The Five Love Languages

I just finished reading this book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and all I can say is WOW! I am seriously so glad that I was introduced to this book now and not years and years later. It is an eye opener for marriage.

Tony and I have been married for a little over 4 years, and things are going good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes (of course) we look at our life together and think, "Geez... what's changed? Because something has." Now, I know that we love each other, but some days it just felt like we were going through the motions of life. It personally seemed to me that Tony didn't want to take the time to show me that he loved me. I tried showing him, I would want to spend time together and do things together, but he didn't seem too interested. Some days it broke my heart.

What was the problem? We speak different love languages! I have never even heard of such a thing before this. How could someone think love was something different from what I thought it was? Isn't it the same thing? I equate love to quality time spent together, focused one on one time, simply being together doing whatever. Turns out, this doesn't mean much at all to Tony; his love language is Acts of Service! Duh. No wonder. He sees acts of service (such as me cleaning, doing laundry, cooking for him) as my showing love. I never thought that that would be the main thing that showed I loved him. And believe you me, I am not the world's best housekeeper. A spotless house is not high on my priority list, I'd rather be playing with Carlee, doing something creative (i.e. making a bigger mess) or generally just having a good time. Why waste time meticulously detailing the house? Now, I do normal stuff, but having things out of place, Carlee's toys on the floor, clothes that stay folded in the basket for longer than they should, a few dishes in the sink until I get to them, honestly doesn't bother me. So this revelation is a hard one for me. This whole time that I've been ignoring certain things for so long, I've been telling Tony, "I don't love you."


And it's so hard for me to wrap my brain around, because acts of service doesn't equal LOVE to me! But I have to accept that it does for my husband, and I really want to express my love to him in his language. So, I will be trying even harder to be better at the house stuff, which is also cool, because I'm getting into natural cleaning too. Anyway...

My love language is Quality Time, which is what I thought it was for everyone. This is also why when Tony could have cared less about just sitting down and talking with me, it really stung. Now I see. Tony will be reading the book this week. I'm really looking forward to having a discussion about it. I've already started on my end, the kitchen looks marvelous, the floors are mopped, and dinner was pumpkin waffles that Tony wanted... all because I love him.

Obviously, I highly recommend this book. :)


erin said...

Isn't this a great book? We read it before we got married and it's one that we go back to over an over. I recommended it in one of my posts a couple of months ago (a book "meme" I was tagged with). Glad you enjoyed it - it's an eye opener!

Angela said...

Ooh, such a good book. Les and I have both read it, and as long as we "practice" each other's love language we get along pretty well :) I'm "quality time" too. Les is a combination of "words of affirmation" and "physical touch". Its amazing how different people express and receive love. I'm glad you found this book and I wish I would have recommended it to you sooner...I probably thought I had. I've told so many people about it.

mira said...

yup, def. agree with the love languages concept. It's amazing how much happier we both are when we are going out of our way to show the other person we love them in a way that THEY will understand =)

When D and I got married, our pastor gave us a book titled, "His Needs, Her Needs" that is similar and equally enlightening. Want to borrow it?

Sheena said...

man! I guess I'm the last to know about this book lol. I wish I had known about it when we first got married. Oh well, better late than never.
M-I would love to borrow that book! thanks!